


What'sss Up, Gamers?

by ckret2



Series: Pentious Week [3]
Category: Hazbin Hotel (Web Series)
Genre: Gen, Humor, YouTube, vlogging - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-03
Updated: 2020-08-03
Packaged: 2021-03-05 19:53:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,347
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25680880
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ckret2/pseuds/ckret2
Summary: A series of random videos from Sir Pentious's VoxTube channel as he eternally seeks Internet fame.He's not gonna find it.But he'll keep trying.
Series: Pentious Week [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1852252
Comments: 14
Kudos: 45





	What'sss Up, Gamers?

**Author's Note:**

> Written for Day 6 of [Pentious Week](https://twitter.com/bubbileii/status/1275233770136899585/photo/1), "Hip N' Fresh"! Which was actually yesterday but I'm a day behind. Not bad though, I almost kept up!
> 
> I've headcanoned for a long time Sir Pent has an absurd little channel on Hell YouTube where he posts random crap and desperately hopes for that elusive Internet fame, so this is just a random assortment of the multitude of videos he'd post. I actually wanted to add a few more, but like, I didn't want to spend more than a few hours writing this. Since there isn't really a plot line to these, it doesn't make a huge difference. Maybe I'll throw in the other ideas some other time!

**DESECRATED HEART CATHEDRAL ORGAN - "I'M BLUE" - ORGAN ARRANGEMENT #18**

The video opens with a camera pointed toward a pipe organ's controls, showing its bench, four manual keyboards, one pedal keyboard, and dozen of stops shaped like small drawer knobs to control its dizzying array of pipes. Some of the pipes of the organ—which is a behemoth of shining black metal and ashen blue wood—can be seen in the background of the video. It gives off the impression of a simultaneously magnificent and malevolent machine.

The view of the organ is blocked by Sir Pentious's face. "What's up, gamers?! We're back with another organ video! I know, it's _another_ ex-Christian church—but what can I say, this close to Pentagram City, the ex-Christians have a monopoly on pipe organs. I'll try to get further afield in future videos."

He gestures around himself. "Anyway, this one's a little different from last month's! The Church of St. Whoever is one of those _sad_ places made by sinners in denial who tried to keep practicing their original faith postmortem until they got jaded with the whole thing and turned it into a pub, while Desecrated Heart was made by sinners who jumped wholeheartedly into the whole devil-worship thing as soon as they realized they were damned. You can really tell the difference in the architecture, I'll put some footage I took over the music."

Sir Pentious sits on the bench. "Anyway, you're here for the music! When I asked for suggestions on the last organ video, all four commenters requested this song, and I thought this organ would be the _perfect_ one to play it on. It was quite the challenge to arrange, so never let anyone say I don't do anything for you viewers."

He turns around, cracks his knuckles, and begins playing "I'm Blue (Da Ba Dee)" by Eiffel 65.

He gets really into it.

When the song is over, Sir Pentious twirls around on his seat to face the camera, his tail draping over the bench. "Hit that subscribe and sssmash that like button if you want to see me break into more buildings and play their pipe organs!"

He dabs.

Nine people smash that like button.

###

**ASMR - INTRO VIDEO**

"What'sss up gamerss." Sir Pentious is whispering to the camera.

The camera appears to be showing a study of some sort in one of his airships. The bookshelves behind his desk on the other side of his study are full of very advanced cutting-edge books on engineering, aeronautics, and military strategy, along with subjects less directly related to his line of work but similarly erudite, such as quantum physics, world history, and the philosophy of ethics.

His less sophisticated books—such as his massive collection of trashy historical novels featuring himself as a villain and a well-read copy of "How to Win Friend Requests and Influencer People"—are kept in the bookcase outside of the camera's field of view.

"Ssso," Sir Pentious says. The effort of maintaining a whisper is making his hiss worse than usual. "The Bois introduced me to the concept of A Sss M R"—he pronounces each letter individually—"because they think I would have a knack at it. They assssure me that my voice is sssoothing." He looks dubious of this claim, but he shrugs. The sensitivity on the microphone is turned up high enough to make the sound of the shifting fabric of his suit audible. It also makes the rumbling of the airship's engines and hissing of the room's ventilation system audible, both of which are constant background noises through the video and incredibly distracting.

"We'll give it a shot," Sir Pentious says. "I'm given to understand the primary appeal of this particular video genre is the whispering and... tapping on things. With nails." Sir Pentious drums his fingers once on the desk, looks unimpressed at the effect, and says, "Here's what I'm going to do. I'll be working on a 3D model of my blueprints for a classified little project of mine," he pulls a laptop that appears to have a varnished wood body and brass buttons into view, "and all of _you_ can listen to the typing. And I'll... talk to you, I suppose." Sir Pentious waves a hand vaguely. The sound of moving fabric really is distracting. "Whatever. Let me know in the comments if you have something else you'd like to see."

He all but ignores the camera as he starts working on his laptop. The typing is very loud.

After about a minute, Sir Pentious says, in a gentle, soothing whisper, "So let me tell you about some bullshit that classless bitch Efflora said about me on Vwitter."

###

**LIVE STREAM - DOING REPAIRS & ANSWERING YOUR QUESTIONS! (ACCIDENTAL ASMR?)**

"What's up, gamers! Welcome to our first live stream! Per last week's poll about which of the random vintage objects I have around I could repair, the GameVox Color won out over the machine gun four to two." The camera is focused on the surface of Sir Pentious's work table, showing a truly grody-looking handheld game console. Sir Pentious turns it over to show off the damage to the camera. "So I'll be taking your comments while I clean this filthy mess up." He pulls his hands off screen, and when they're back he's wearing a pair of work gloves and holding an array of work tools and cleaning supplies. He starts scrubbing off the surface level of dirt.

The chatroom next to the stream scrolls along as the dozen or so live viewers start asking questions. Most of the usernames have the word "egg" and numbers in some combination and their questions are invasive. Sir Pentious ignores those questions. When he finds a question he likes, he copies it onto the screen to display as a header while he's answering it:

" _there's been some heated debates in veddit subs about whether or not the tradition of pocket watches is worth preserving. you've got some pictures of you with your pocket watch, what do you think?_ "

"As a man well-known for my continued advocacy for the fashions and aesthetics of the late nineteenth century, I feel I am in a unique position to serve as an expert on the subject. And so, here is my official stance: just get a damn smartphone." Sir Pentious wheezes a laugh. "Can you _imagine_ advocating for pocket watches? It's the year two thousand and twenty, _please_. A pocket watch is just a little machine that fits in your pocket to help you tell time. A smartphone does the same thing, and better, while also letting you maintain instant communication with the entire planet and the collective knowledge of the entire human and infernal races. If you have a smartphone, a pocket watch is _redundant_. If you _don't_ have a smartphone, get a smartphone. You idiots." He's got the surface of the console clean enough that he can safely open it up and begin disassembling it. "Of course, _my_ pocket watch is the exception, because it _is_ a smartphone."

One commenter angrily asks, " _Everything about u is all 1800s and u dont like POCKETWATCHES?_ "

"You're talking about my _style_. Style is merely what's considered the currently sophisticated look. The only thing that determines whether the corset or the brassier is considered in fashion is which breast shapes are currently considered sexy. _That's_ style. Fashion is subjective; technology is objective. And pocket watches were obsolete long before smartphones came around, no matter how good looking they are."

Another comments, " _what abt all the craftsmanship in them? :(_ "

"Ha! Craftsmanship is for things we haven't figured out how to make a hundred of per minute with assembly lines and child labor! Anything that _can_ be automatized _ought_ to be." Sir Pentious pauses, then adds thoughtfully, "Although finicky detailed work like that is soothing to do, isn't it? Case in point." He gestures at the disassembled GameVox. "I suppose if you _want_ to go make your own pocket watch, it's a fine hobby."

" _so u think we should all buy vphones instead?_ "

"Oh, no, fuck Vphones, those things are pure data-mining machines. Always buy indie. Leave your email in the comments and I'll recommend some reliable brands, I can't mention them on VoxTube or the algorithm will blacklist me, you know how it goes."

The next commenter introduces a new topic: " _How come you start all your videos with 'what's up gamers' when this isn't a gaming channel?_ "

The question gives Sir Pentious pause. "Is that not simply what one _does_? Is this not a way to imply, as it were, that all my subscribers have _got game?_ Which they clearly _must_ if they have made the brilliant decision to subscribe to _my_ videos! But if it causes confusion, I'll gladly open up some other way. Leave your suggestions in the comments."

###

**WHATEVER I GUESS**

"Hhey. What's up viewers," Sir Pentious whispers. He's got his head flopped on his desk between his crossed arms and is looking forlornly at the camera. "This isn't an ASMR video," he whispers. "I just have a sore throat. I thought we could hang out."

The video is three hours long. Most of it Sir Pentious spends asleep.

A note in the video description added by a helpful egg explains that Sir Pentious was very loopy on cold meds when he made this video; but in their expert opinions, the Egg Bois thought he would probably want them to upload the video on his behalf, and it would also probably make him very happy if people commented letting him know they hoped he felt better soon.

Sir Pentious deletes the video when he discovers it the next day, but in the subsequent video thanks the eight people who actually wished him well.

###

**GRACE GFS660 REVOLVER - UNBOXING VIDEO (LIVING REALM IMPORTS!!)**

"What's up viewers! We're taking a break from the usual tech vids for a gun this week, hope you don't mind!"

The camera's focused on the box to be opened. It's swaddled in tape, marred with the evidence of a couple of explosions, and lucky to have made it to Hell in one piece.

"Usually I wouldn't spring for smuggled living world goods—but any biographer worth their salt has mentioned that I was devoutly loyal to Grace firearms, so you can _imagine_ my curiosity when I heard someone had restarted the brand." A box cutter begins hacking through the layers of tape. "So let's see how faithful this is to the quality of the originals. I wonder if there's any actual relationship to the original founders? The Grace company of my lifetime was family-owned, you know..."

He's cut through the box and pulled out the gun from the copious packaging. For a moment, he silently holds it in front of the camera. Then he says with audible dismay, "It looks like it's made out of plastic."

A commenter named @xXxBITCHFUCCKER9000xXx leaves a comment on the video stating "watched this viddo while fapping in the bathrom so my girlfirned woudl hear the fart noizes comgin out of your motuh and think i was taking a logn shit looool"

###

**SURPRISE UNBOXING VIDEO! SPECIAL GUEST: xXxBITCHFUCCKER9000xXx**

"Good afternoon, viewers!" Sir Pentious has to raise his voice to ensure it's picked up over the sound of screaming in the background. "Today we've got a special surprise! My long-time followers know how I try to mix up the theme on here—"

"Oh fuck! Oh fuck! I'm sorry!" The purple-furred hellhound sobbing in the background tries to squirm free of his chains. "It'll never happen again, I promise! I'm so fucking sor—"

Sir Pentious casually twists around to wrap a layer of duct tape around the hellhound's muzzle, and then faces the camera again, grinning viciously. "But a _wonderful_ opportunity fell in my lap to have another unboxing video, and I just couldn't resist the urge."

He slides out the blade of his boxcutter, points it down, and holds the tip over the hellhound's diaphragm. "Shall we see what's inside?"

The hellhound whines in fear.

###

**ASMR - READING SOOTHING WORDS**

Sir Pentious whispers, "Right, so, one of the things that came up most often on my last video is that you'd like to hear me reading 'ssoothing words'?" He shrugs. "I've got a lisst of words you suggested, so let's try them out."

He pulls over his laptop, taps at it a moment as he pulls up a list, and then whispers, "Let'ss see here... 'Misssissssippi... sssasssssaffrassssss... pss... psssssseudossscccienccccesssss..."

Sir Pentious gives the camera a withering glare. "Oh, ssscrew all of you."

###

**SCALE CARE ROUTINE FOR ~SSSNAKESSS~ - ALL NATURAL, MINIMAL PRODUCTS, FRAGRANCE FREE - NOT FOR FISH!!!**

"I am _so sick_ of scale care routines that either assume everyone's scales are the _exact_ same as a goldfish's or that everyone wants to smell like a fake fruit salad," Sir Pentious mutters. He's got his hood flared wide so that their eyes can help him see what he's doing while his primary eyes are shut as he washes around them. "Fish are aquatic. _Aquatic_. They've got _completely_ different needs. We've got the _skin_ of reptiles, that doesn't mean we need to act like we've got the _brains_ of them too, come on now."

He bends down to rinse off his face in an off-screen sink, then straightens up. " _There_. And if _that_ isn't enough to deal with a stuck shed, you need to go to a dermatologist. Gorgons, if you've got snakeskin all over, this routine will work just fine for dandruff too, don't get sssuckered into any of those fad shampoo trends. There is _no_ shampoo that works well with snakes, snakes are _not_ hair. If you're a gorgon with snakes on top and human skin on your scalp and face this is fine for your snakes, but try not to get it on your skin, it's probably going to be abrasive. I've recommended some gorgon vloggers with mixed snake/human skin in the description.

"Okay, so next you're going to want to get out the Vaseline to lock in the shine on your scales—I will _not_ be getting into any more arguments in the comments about whether or not Vaseline is a 'natural product,' I posted a _whole_ video about this already, it is a _natural_ byproduct of oil well drilling, end of discussion." He rubs a dollop onto his forehead. "You're going to want to apply this wherever you want to catch the light and accent your features, and that's going to depend entirely on your scale color and natural shininess. I prefer brow line and cheek bones," he draws a line with one claw, "it helps make for a more imposing visage. If you've got a sizeable snout already, you don't need to do anything to emphasize it, but if you have a flatter profile," he turns sideways to show off his tragic lack of a nose, "just a bit down the middle can help bring out whatever brow ridge you do have. So." He adds a thin strip down between his eyes, then gets a sponge to help smooth it out.

"I know some of you _swear_ by liquid dish soap for the final polish on your scales," Sir Pentious says, half murmuring as he focuses on the sponge instead, "which I'm sure is all fine and good if you want to smell like a pomegranate or green tea—but in _my_ day, humans were supposed to smell like humans and snakes were supposed to smell like snakes, and if _either_ tried to smell like a plant or a piece of fruit, it meant they had some disease-induced BO they didn't want their neighbors to know about. So I'll be sticking to my fragrance-free Vaseline, _thank_ you. Besides, it's _dish soap!_ It's made for _dishes!_ Is this—I ask you, _is this not Hell?_ Hm? Because if this _is_ Hell, then tell me, who is it that's king around here? The last time I checked, it was the fallen angel who likes moonlighting as a snake around apple trees—so you'd think there would be a decent supply of hygiene products marketed toward snakes! But no! It's absolutely unforgivable."

Sir Pentious leans back from the camera. "So! There you have it." He tilts his head from side to side, showing off the final result. "Perfectly clean, perfectly polished, with products that actually _work_ on reptiles and that don't leave you smelling like you got into a shootout in a department store perfume department." He puts on his top hat, smiles winningly, and says, "And if that routine doesn't make you gorgeous enough to sweet-talk _anyone_ into eating a forbidden fruit—then maybe you're just naturally ugly."

###

**ROCK OPERA STADIUM OF THE PROUDLY FALLEN - "DEATH WALTZ" - ORGAN ARRANGEMENT #32**

"Sorry for whissspering, viewers." Sir Pentious has the camera inches from his face but isn't looking at it, eyes darting back and forth as if searching for something. "I had to ssqueeze past some ssecurity to get in here, and I'd rather like to actually play this organ before they catch me and kick me out." He laughs almost silently, waits a few seconds, then hisses, "Okay! Clear!"

He slithers around a corner and points his camera at the stage and the organ built into the back of it. "This beauty is one of the _finest_ pipe organs you'll find constructed by Satanists for a purely Satanic facility rather than by damned Christians—and you can see that difference in the aesthetics!" The camera pans up and down the organ, showing how the pipes crisscross each other at chaotic angles and how the wooden body of the organ is shaped less like neat boxes with stately curved flourishes and more like whole logs of gnarled trees were hewn roughly into the shape of an organ, leaving it with natural curves that somehow also evoke the shape of flames. "I don't think I'd want it in my _own_ home—but it's a striking art piece, don't you think?" He slowly moves closer to the organ as he speaks, slithering around the edge of the concert hall as he goes. The camera is set on its tripod a lot closer to the organ than usual so that it can pick up his voice while he whispers and Sir Pentious slithers into view, sliding onto the bench.

"I've only played here once before as a guest keyboardist during a Vigor Tiger concert—I've dropped a link in the description to the music video, it was a _spectacular_ live show—but you really can't show off the nuance and versatility of an organ during a metal concert, what with all the guitars and growling and screaming and human sacrifices going on." He sits on the bench backwards to face the camera. "For those of you that are new to the channel, quick primer on pipe organs: usually the pipes are created by making a layer of tin and lead— _typically_ , although you find weirder materials down here—but _these_ pipes were raised fully-formed in pipe shape out of the molten metal. Kind of like 3D printing, except upside-down and using magic."

He carefully eases the bench into position as he whispers, "This request has been one of my _favorite_ pieces to convert to organ so far, it's a remarkably complicated composition. Apparently it was originally composed by t—Tow-How? Too-Hoo? Anyway, half of you called it the 'Death Waltz,' so I thought it would be a fitting piece for an organ like this." He gives the camera an eager grin, arranges the organ's stops, looks around one last time for security, and starts playing "U.N. Owen Was Her?"

Halfway through the song, Sir Pentious glances to the side, flinches, and starts playing the song even faster.

A few seconds later, a burly-looking imp tackles him off-screen.

His video description mentions that he's uploading the video from the stadium's dungeon. Most of the comments say "F." Sir Pentious gives all these comments a thumbs down; even with the interrupted finish, he thinks his playing deserved at least a B+.

**Author's Note:**

> The two songs Sir Pent played on organ were selected because they're the meme-iest of all the organ cover songs I've actually found thus far on YouTube. Here are the links to [I'm Blue](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qB6PvBnBokI) and [U.N. Owen Was Her?](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ko8X9DLzzOI) (which is often jokingly called the "Death Waltz" as a reference to a piece of joke sheet music for a song that's nigh on impossible to play—hence Sir Pent's confusion over the song's real name).
> 
> The reference to Sir Pent doing a live metal show with a band called Vigor Tiger is because I've got a headcanon that Sir Pent's got a side gig [playing organ on metal albums](https://ckret2.tumblr.com/post/614430269449060352/feat-sir-pentious-on-keyboards), because metal bands would love that "we've got an actual Victorian supervillain playing organ on our album" panache and Sir Pent would love that "I played music with an actual modern rock band" hint of fame & glory. "Vigor Tiger" is a parody of Powerwolf, because I don't want to imply that any _actual real_ metal bands are 1) dead, or 2) worthy of damnation; but Powerwolf uses pipe organ in their albums and they've got a song called [Kiss of the Cobra](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HZe58neyF5c) about a cobra king/god that involves fanatically chanting "COBRA! COBRA! COBRA! COBRA!" so like, that's the exact _kind_ of band that Sir Pent would play organ for.
> 
> Posts for this fic available on [tumblr](https://ckret2.tumblr.com/post/625394656664076288/whatsss-up-gamers) and [twitter](https://twitter.com/ckret2/status/1290116792522661888?s=20). Comments/reblogs there are very welcome (as are comments here)!


End file.
